Thursday, March 08, 2007

Live, Lunge and Learn

Here is my arm. If you look close you'll see a black line across the top of my arm. See it? Okay, now look really close. This will no doubt involve leaning in toward your monitor but you will be rewarded for your efforts. Trust me. Now that you're up close and personal, squint and focus directly above the black line and you'll notice the widdle biddy bump of MUSCLE extruding from my upper arm. There! That's it! That my peeps is what you get for 2 and 1/2 months of core training. Breath-taking, isn't it? Now, may I direct your attention to the dotted line toward the midway point of the photographic image. Step back from the computer. In fact, go position yourself in the doorway of the adjoining room. Now look at the photo again. Oh wait....

Look at the photo again! Do you see

that fleshy mound dangling toward the

floor? See it? Okay, now come back

into the room and sit down again.

That dangly mass of flub took me 50 years of intensive eating and couch occupation to develop. Breath-taking, isn't it? But I gotta tell you, I'm far more hyped about the widdle biddy lump of MUSCLE than I'm discouraged by the dropping flubbage. I'm just a half-full glass Phatgirl.

A story for your reading pleasure. The teeshirt in the photo is one I had made at Zazzle. The personal trainers at 24-Hour Fitness wear red teeshirts that say "Personal Trainer" across the back. On the back of mine it reads "Personal Trainer's Victim" and on the front is a block of text comprised of all the pithy, annoying little phrases, questions, and demands D_wn, my personal trainer, offers as accompaniment to my workouts. The melody goes something like this, "Are you okay? How you doing? Keep your heels down. Keep your chest up. Stop rounding your shoulders. Breathe! Tighten those ABS! Posture! How do you feel? Are you okay? Pull from your shoulder blades. You should feel it there! 10 more. Another set. Quit crying you babypants!" Okay, it doesn't actually contain the last line but now that I've thought of it, I wish it did. Back to the story and yes, there is one. So in I stroll the other day sporting my brand-new-my-trainer-is-going-to-bust-a-gut-over-this-one teeshirt and sure enough, she grinned. And then she proceeded to put me through a workout that lacked any trace of compassion, gentleness or simple human kindness. Brutal I tell you. Brutal. After 50 minutes of this little glimpse into the bowels of Hades and sweating like a long-haired dog in the middle of the Negev on an August afternoon, I pointed to the words on the back of my teeshirt and grasping for that last breath of air I had misplaced during the final set of lunges (lung-less?) I said "Truth in advertising." And that's when she laughed. Outloud.

I'm wearing a white teeshirt tomorrow. No graphic images. No words. Nothing. Unadored. Innocent.


jeanne said...

t-shirt is priceless! there was a sign in my last (my last?) physical therapist's office (office?) that said "If you say it hurts, we'll just make you do more of it." or something to that effect. har-de-har. these people are just this side of sadists! isn't it great when you can make them laugh out loud? I live for that with spin instructor.


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