Saturday, November 18, 2006

Painful Pec Prohibitions

In the event you should ever find yourself burdened with pain in your pectoralis major muscle then let me share some wisdom gleaned today in my ventures through life.

  1. Do not attempt to stir milk into your coffee. Either hire someone to do it for you, ask for the support of a friend, or drink it black.
  2. Do not consider lifting anything weighing more than 7 ounces over your head. This includes your own arms.
  3. Do not attempt to get dressed and if you must get dressed, avoid anything that slips over your head, or uses a zipper, snaps, ties, or buttons. This will limit you to a poncho or a garment utilizing velcro.
  4. Crying doesn't help but it doesn't hurt either. Unless you sob. Sobbing increases the likelihood of shoulder movement. Don't do that.
  5. Do not engage in rigorous tooth brushing. This would be a good time to invest in a Braun Oral-B Advance Power Electric Toothbrush. To limit pectorial movement when using your new Braun Oral-B, bring your chin down to your chest before attempting minimal elevation of brush to mouth.
  6. Take a lesson from our ape ancestors and drive with your feet, keeping arms dangling limply on your lap.
  7. While coping with painful pecs do not participate in active sports that include, but are not limited to the following: bungie jumping, hand-gliding, para sailing, deep sea diving, and alligator wrestling. Fire walking and cat lassoing should only be attempted with extreme caution.
  8. Do not polka. Even an Irish jig could result in undue suffering.
  9. Take aspirin and plenty of them. This advice is contingent on being able to open the aspirin container in the first place.
  10. Learn to type with your toes. How else do you think I could have made this entry?


jeanne said...

dear god.

LBTEPA said...

ooooh I am wincing reading this. You poor thing. But it will get better!!!

Anonymous said...

You're getting to be quite the jock now:)

poops said...

Being a weight lifter/power lifter in my youth and now a carousel horse flipper...I feel your pain. Many were the days that I couldn't lift my arms high enough to comb my hair!And for what I say....I still have underarms that wave...bah!!!