Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Catalog Chaos

Dear Land's End, Eddie Bauer, PotteryBarn, Nordstrom's, Levenger, Savannah's Candy Kitchen, Solutions, Garnet Hill, Bloomingdale's, Hammacher Schlemmer, Harry & David, Hickory Farms, Monterey Bay, Plow & Hearth, Williams Sonoma, Sony, Dell Computers, Appleseeds, Carol Wright Gifts, Abbey Press, Frontgate, Sharper Image, Red Envelope, Hallmark, Lennox, Chiasso, Crate and Barrel, Popcorn Factory, Disney Store, Hershey's, Omaha Steaks, House of Almonds, Vermont Country Store, Lane Bryant, Silhouettes, Roaman's, Sierra Trading Post, Touch of Class, Ross-Simons, Current, Museum Store Company, Barrons, Oriental Trading, Discount School Supply, Kipp Brothers, ShindigZ and Lillian Vernon,

Stop. Sending. Me. Catalogs.

Have I ever bought a single item from your catalogs? Have I ever phoned one of your operators who are always standing by, read you the customer code off the mailing label conveniently located in the pink, red, green, yellow, blue or gray box, referred you to the page number where a desired item was located and then read the 23 digit item number printed in font type so miniscule that an ant standing in the center of the 23 digit item number would need a magnifying glass to decipher it? That's right. I never have and I never will.

Stop. Sending. Me. Catalogs.

And for those of you merchandising mavens who are under the impression that a colony of individuals live in my house whose names happen to contain the same letters of the alphabet as mine but in varying order, let me assure you right now, there is no one at my home by the name of Aneeta Cadnaugh, Danita Husby, Anita Cadhusey, Anita Cadonay-Hooseby, Atecka Cadnerry-Houseby, Anna Calonua-Husbey, or whatever other deviation of my name you have slaughtered beyond the point of absurdity. Even if such a group of people existed, since we all happily share the same letters of the alphabet wouldn't you think it in our collective nature to be able to share one copy of your catalog? And by the way, as long as we're on this, I'm not Miss or Mr. and if I heard someone shout "Occupant!" or "Resident!" on the street I wouldn't turn around and say "What?!" because those are not my name.

Stop. Sending. Me. Catalogs.

I give you credit. You are relentless. Three identical catalogs sent on three different days. Did you think I wouldn't notice? Are you so naive as to think I might have regret I didn't take the opportunity with the first copy you sent to purchase something that would complete my life and so now, in your good mercy you're giving me another chance? Pay attention here. Read carefully so you miss nothing. There was nothing I wanted in your catalog the first time you sent it. I have not changed my mind.

Stop. Sending. Me. Catalogs.

Stop sending me catalogs that are exactly the same as the one you sent me a month ago except for the new cover you've slapped onto the front. YYes, I noticed and no, you're not fooling me! Stop depleting our forests with catalogs that never get further than the recycle bin that waits open-mouthed to consume them whole. Stop making me get soaked to the bone by forcing me to wrestle your mangled catalogs out of my mailbox in the pouring rain. Stop giving people the impression that the true meaning of Christmas revolves around merchandise and spending and getting. What I'm trying to say is,

Stop. Sending. Me. Catalogs.

Oh, and could you please have someone from your online store send me an electronic receipt for the item I ordered off your website yesterday? Thank you.

Anita Cadonau-Huseby


jeanne said...

I sort my mail standing next to the conveniently placed recycle bin...and every single catalog goes straight in. yeah, if i want something from these people, i actually know HOW to find them!

thank you for getting that off my chest!

Rose said...

I also dump the catalogs into the recycle bin immediately. Sometimes I wonder how I get on certain mailing lists - Hearth & Plow? Just not a "plow" kinda gal. Victoria's Secret? As if - that's obviously directed at hubby, not me, so don't schlepp my name on it.

Anita said...

Jeanne, I felt my anguish was a universal anguish and I took it upon myself to express it for all of us. That it brought you relief is to my great joy. And Rose, I'm with you! I'm still trying to figure out how I ended up on the ULINE (Janitorial Supplies) catalog mailing list. It's not as if I've ever purchased a pallet of urinal least not recently.

Anonymous said...

I am so fed-up with all the catalogs I get from companys I have had no contact and will never do business with. I have even tried to get some of them to stop. Some companys are very courteous and comply instantly to the request. Others, like Dell just refuse and abuse you in the process. They have a website that you can use to supposedly unsubscribe from their list. It does not work. In fact after I used it I think our catalogs from them have doubled. We now get at least six copies of the same catalog. I think someone in their marketing department needs to wake up and smell the fresh cut trees. I will never buy anything from them, even if it seemed to be the best deal in the world.